Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 2

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 3

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 4

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 5

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 6

Can two younger children (e.g. ages 9-11) consent to sex? I don't believe they can. But if no adult is around to monitor what's going on,  how does the child on the receiving end of the other child's behavior (initiated and lead by the other child) classify their experience? If they don't know what they are consenting to, and no isn't an option for them,  is this abuse? This was my experience and I struggle so much with accepting what happened as being abuse. But I have all the hallmark signs of having been abused as a child.

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children.

You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that is very concerning. It's not truly consensual, even if the child didn't overtly say no, since the pressure and power dynamics make it impossible for them to freely choose.

At the same time, it's important to recognize that not all sexual behaviors between children are inherently abusive. Some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages is considered normal and not necessarily harmful, as long as there is mutual agreement, no coercion, and it doesn't cause distress.

However, when one child pressures or forces sexual activity on another, there is a significant age/power difference, or it happens frequently or in a compulsive way, that crosses the line into abuse. If you experienced sexual activity with another child that felt overwhelming, violating or traumatic, your feelings are completely valid. It's okay to define and label your experience as abuse. Even if the other child didn't intend harm, if you were negatively impacted, that matters. No one else can dictate how you feel about what happened to you.

All children have the right to have their boundaries respected and to be free from coercive and unwanted sexual experiences. Struggling to accept what you experienced as abuse is so understandable, especially since it doesn't fit the stereotype of an adult perpetrator. But this absolutely can be an abusive experience with lasting harmful impacts, as you know firsthand. Your feelings of violation are real and valid.

There is still a lot we don't understand about child sexual development and behavior. More research is needed to better distinguish between harmless experimentation vs. harmful abuse. But in general, any sexual activity that is unwanted, coercive or distressing to one or more of the children involved is not okay and can be significantly damaging, regardless of ages.

I hope you can begin to extend compassion to your younger self and recognize that you did nothing to deserve this harm. It might help to imagine a child you love going through this - would you see it as their fault? You deserve the same grace and gentleness with yourself.

Healing from COCSA is a difficult journey. I'm so sorry you've had to carry this alone. I hope you're able to access good therapeutic support to process your experiences, learn to trust your own feelings, and begin to reclaim your sense of worth and autonomy. What happened to you matters, and support is available.

Wishing you all the best on your healing path. Please remember that you're not alone.

Question 7

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We appreciate you reaching out and want to acknowledge the progress you've already made—this is a huge accomplishment. Your question addresses issues that many survivors face but often struggle to share with professionals, so we're grateful for your vulnerability and trust in us.

Firstly, it's crucial to understand that trauma responses, including vaginismus, can manifest in complex ways that aren't always directly linked to the specific type of abuse experienced. Vaginismus is a condition characterized by involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic floor that can make vaginal penetration difficult or impossible. While it's often associated with sexual trauma involving vaginal penetration, your experience demonstrates that this isn't always the case.

The mind-body connection in trauma responses is intricate. Your body may be responding protectively to intimate situations in general, not just to the exact form of abuse you experienced. This protective response can extend to various aspects of physical and emotional intimacy, which explains why you might be experiencing vaginismus despite your trauma not involving vaginal penetration.

Managing vaginismus often requires a multifaceted approach, and it sounds like you have already tried some of these strategies. While everyone's body is different, here's a menu of options you can consider:

1. Professional help: If you haven't already, consider working with a trauma-informed pelvic floor physical therapist and a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide tailored treatments and coping strategies that address both the physical and emotional aspects of vaginismus.

2. Open communication: Continue to have open, honest conversations with your partner about your experiences, feelings, and needs. This can help maintain intimacy and understanding in your relationship, especially as you navigate the challenges of family planning.

3. Explore non-penetrative intimacy: There are many ways to be intimate and express love that don't involve penetration. This can help maintain your connection while working on healing.

4. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques: These can help reduce anxiety and tension associated with intimacy. Your therapist can guide you through specific exercises tailored to your needs.

5. Paced approach: While you mentioned that pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help so far, it's worth noting that these techniques often require time and consistent practice to show results. Work with your healthcare providers to establish a paced approach that feels comfortable for you.

6. Alternative family planning options: Given your desire for children, it may be helpful to discuss options like IVF or surrogacy with your partner and healthcare providers. These alternatives can allow you to build your family while continuing to work on your healing journey.

Additionally, there are some home-based methods to attempt conception without vaginal penetration, though their effectiveness can vary. This includes Intravaginal insemination (IVI) using a sterile syringe or cervical cap and at-home insemination kits. These methods may be less invasive but still require careful timing with ovulation. Consult a healthcare provider before attempting any of these options to ensure safety and improve chances of success. They can provide guidance on proper techniques, timing, and any potential risks or considerations specific to your situation.

For others reading this who may be experiencing similar issues, it's important to remember that vaginismus and other intimacy challenges following sexual trauma are not uncommon. If you're struggling with these issues, we encourage you to seek professional help from trauma-informed specialists. Be patient with yourself; healing is not linear. Communicate openly with your partner(s) about your needs and boundaries, and remember that your experiences and feelings are valid.

While the road to recovery can be challenging, many survivors have found ways to manage vaginismus. With the right support and resources, healing is possible. Thank you for reaching out to us, and while we could not provide a concrete solution, we hope this gives you more tools to try as you navigate this. You are not alone.

Question 8

How does sexual abuse affect the body and mind on both a biological and psychological level, and why are humans particularly vulnerable to its impacts compared to other animals? Is there an evolutionary explanation for this? I'm particularly interested in how sexual abuse and cases of Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) affect the body and mind, as I'm trying to understand my own experiences and how different types of abuse impact people differently.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this question. I hope we can help you understand these complex processes in a way that supports your healing journey.

Our human capacity for deep emotional connection and meaning-making is both a gift and a source of vulnerability when it comes to trauma. Unlike other animals, we create rich social bonds and find profound meaning in our experiences. While these qualities usually enrich our lives immensely, they can also make us especially sensitive to experiences that violate our trust or sense of safety.

When we experience trauma, particularly during childhood, our bodies respond in ways that are entirely normal and protective, even though they might feel confusing or overwhelming. Think of it like your body's alarm system - it detects a threat and responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response helps us survive in the moment, repeated activation can lead to lasting changes in how our bodies respond to stress. Understanding this can help explain why you might find yourself feeling anxious or on alert even in safe situations - your body learned to be extra careful to protect you.

During childhood, our brains are especially adaptable, constantly learning from our experiences to help us navigate the world. When trauma occurs during these formative years, it can shape how our neural pathways develop. This is particularly relevant for understanding the impact of childhood sexual abuse, including COCSA. If you've ever wondered why certain memories, feelings, or relationship patterns feel so deeply ingrained, this biological understanding might help explain why - and more importantly, know that with support and understanding, our brains can also learn new patterns of response.

The emotional impact of trauma goes beyond these physical changes because humans naturally seek to make sense of our experiences. This meaning-making process can become especially complicated with sexual trauma, particularly when it occurs in childhood or involves someone we know. If you've struggled with complex feelings about your experiences, please know this is a natural response to an unnatural situation - your mind is trying to process something that shouldn't have happened to you.

In COCSA situations, understanding these mechanisms can be particularly helpful because the experience often comes with unique layers of confusion and uncertainty. Without clear categories of "perpetrator" and "victim," many survivors struggle to make sense of their experiences or validate their own feelings. Please know that the impact of such experiences is real and valid, regardless of the circumstances or the age of the person who caused harm.

Here's where understanding these biological and psychological mechanisms can be particularly healing-- it helps us recognize that our responses (whether they're emotional overwhelm, numbness, relationship difficulties, or other challenges) aren't signs of weakness or failure. They're our bodies' and minds' natural attempts to protect us and cope with experiences we shouldn't have had to face.

This understanding can help transform self-judgment into self-compassion. When you understand that your brain was doing its best to protect you, it becomes easier to be gentle with yourself about responses that might otherwise feel frustrating or confusing. For example, if you sometimes feel overwhelmed by emotions or find yourself disconnecting in certain situations, knowing this is your nervous system's learned protection response can help you approach these moments with more patience and understanding.

Looking forward, this knowledge can also inform your healing journey. Just as our brains adapt to protect us during trauma, they can also adapt to support healing when given the right conditions and support. This might involve working with trauma-informed therapists who understand these mechanisms, engaging in practices that help regulate your nervous system, or finding ways to create new, positive experiences that help your brain and body learn that safety is possible.

Remember, your path to healing is uniquely yours, and understanding these mechanisms is just one part of the journey. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them in whatever way feels right for you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 9

I'm struggling with some unclear memories from when I was in primary school and wondering if I may have committed COCSA (Child-on-child sexual assault). I have vague memories of kissing a boy without consent (a teacher supposedly saw and told me to stop) and kissing a distant cousin without asking, but these memories are very blurry unlike my usual detailed recall. I'm not sure if these memories are real or not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do or how to find out if I actually did these things.

Accepted Answer

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly distressing, thank you for trusting us with this. The anxiety and confusion you're feeling about unclear childhood memories is actually quite common. You're not alone in grappling with these difficult questions.

Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many behaviors that occur between children of similar ages are considered normal developmental exploration rather than sexual assault. Young children are naturally curious about bodies and may engage in behaviors like kissing, touching, or "playing doctor" as part of normal development. These behaviors typically happen between children of similar ages and developmental stages, involve curiosity rather than power or coercion, and stop when adults redirect them.

The memories you're describing sound like they may fall into this category of childhood exploration, especially given that you were in primary school at the time. Children this age are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. When adults intervene in these situations, it's typically to teach and redirect rather than to punish, which aligns with what you described about the teacher telling you to stop.

Memory is inherently unreliable, particularly for childhood events and especially when we're experiencing anxiety or intrusive thoughts about them. Our minds can construct scenarios based on fears, things we've heard about, or fragments of different experiences. The distress you're feeling about these potential memories can actually make them feel more real and significant than they may actually be.

What's most important right now is addressing the anxiety and distress these thoughts are causing you. This kind of intrusive worry about past actions is something many people experience, and it doesn't reflect who you are as a person today. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you work through these concerns in a supportive environment. They can help you understand the difference between childhood developmental behaviors and harmful actions, and provide strategies for managing intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Remember that your current concern and distress about the possibility of having caused harm actually demonstrates your moral compass and empathy. People who commit intentional sexual violence typically don't experience this kind of genuine worry about their past actions. Your care and concern for others is evident in your question, and that speaks to your character today. Thank you for tarusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 10

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

It's very common for people who've experienced unwanted sexual contact to minimize their experiences, especially when the touching didn't match what society often portrays as "serious enough." This self-doubt and minimization is actually a very normal response, but you're right in recognizing that these thought patterns are causing you additional distress. Your body and mind are telling you this event was significant, and it's important to listen to and honor those feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

The fact that this is surfacing now, ten years later, is also completely normal. Our minds often process difficult experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, or when something in our current life triggers those memories. There's no timeline for processing these experiences, and you're not "overreacting" by having feelings about it now.

When these thought spirals occur, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would show a friend in a similar situation. Would you tell them they were overreacting? Would you measure the impact of unwanted touching by which body part was touched? You deserve that same gentleness and validation.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. They can help you develop tools to manage these thought spirals and process your experience in a safe, supported way. However you choose to understand or label what happened, your feelings are valid, your response is normal, and you deserve support in healing from this experience. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 11

I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected.

It's common to feel confused about your reactions in situations like this. Our bodies and minds can respond in complex ways to stressful or uncomfortable experiences. Continuing to kiss while feeling uncomfortable with other actions doesn't mean you consented to or wanted the unwanted touching. There could be many reasons for this reaction, including shock, fear, or simply not knowing how to handle the situation in the moment.

As you process this experience, remember that your feelings, whatever they may be, are valid. There's no "right" way to feel or react in these situations. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual consent issues. They can provide professional support as you work through your feelings and labeling what occured to you. Remember that in the future, you have the right to stop any sexual activity at any time, even if you initiated it or previously consented.

Practice self-compassion. Many people freeze or have difficulty reacting in overwhelming situations. This doesn't make what happened your fault. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing consent and boundaries with trusted friends or joining advocacy groups that promote awareness about these issues. Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need. If you're struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a helpline for additional support. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

I'm struggling with uncertainty about traumatic events from my childhood. While I'm certain something inappropriate occurred, I worry I might be unintentionally exaggerating the details in my mind. Since it involved another child, I sometimes question if it was harmful behavior or more typical childhood interactions. How can I cope with these doubts and conflicting memories?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

When it comes to processing difficult past events, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique. Some individuals find comfort and clarity in labeling their experiences, as it can help them make sense of what happened and validate their feelings. Others may prefer not to use specific labels, finding that approach more conducive to their healing process. Both approaches are entirely valid, and what matters most is what feels right and helpful for you personally.

There are several ways to cope with these doubts and conflicting memories. Seeking professional support from a therapist experienced in childhood issues can be incredibly helpful. They can provide a safe environment for you to process your experiences and emotions, as well as teach techniques for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts related to your memories. Practicing self-compassion is also crucial - be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of the specific details you recall or how you choose to categorize your experiences.

While the exact details of past events may be unclear, your current emotions and need for healing are real and deserving of attention. Focus on your present feelings and needs rather than trying to perfectly reconstruct the past. Journaling about your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and potentially bring clarity over time. When doubts become overwhelming, using grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment.

Remember, healing is not dependent on having a perfect recollection of events or fitting your experiences into a specific category. What matters most is acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your well-being in the present. Your journey towards understanding and processing your past is valid and important, regardless of the specifics of your memories or how you choose to describe them. If these thoughts continue to cause significant distress, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for personalized support. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 13

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 14

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 15

I would like to know if someone can develop a fetish or kink around humiliation if the sexual abuse they experienced didn't arouse them sexually when it occurred. Could it be the shame and humiliation themselves that lead to developing this kink rather than any physical sensation experienced at the time? What's the connection between these experiences? For instance, if someone was coerced into a sexual act they didn't want to perform and felt no physical pleasure from it, could that experience be the cause of developing a specific kink related to that trauma when they begin to develop sexually?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's entirely possible for someone to develop sexual arousal patterns connected to experiences that were not sexually arousing when they originally occurred. Our brains and bodies have complex ways of processing trauma, and one mechanism that some people experience is called "trauma reenactment" or "traumatic sexualization." This can involve the mind attempting to gain control over or make meaning from traumatic experiences by recreating aspects of them in contexts where the person has more agency and choice.

The connection between past trauma and later sexual arousal patterns isn't usually about the physical sensations experienced during the traumatic event. Rather, it's more commonly connected to the powerful emotions that accompanied the experience—emotions like shame, powerlessness, fear, or humiliation. When these intense emotions become linked with sexuality during formative experiences, particularly for young people still developing their sexual identity, they can become part of the person's arousal template.

In the example you described, being coerced into an intimate act without wanting to participate, and without experiencing physical pleasure, could potentially influence a person's sexual development. The coerced act, combined with the associated emotions of shame or helplessness, might become incorporated into how they understand and navigate their own sexuality later in life. This process is complex and highly individual.

It's important to understand that this doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed the traumatic experience. It doesn't diminish the harm that was done to you. Many trauma specialists view these responses as attempts by the mind and body to heal—by transforming experiences where you had no control into contexts where you have choice, consent, and agency.

Many survivors experience conflicted feelings about these connections between past trauma and current sexuality. Some find that working with trauma-informed therapists specialized in sexual issues helps them understand these patterns and develop a healthier relationship with their sexuality. Others find that simply understanding these connections helps reduce shame and confusion.

Whatever your experience, please know that you're not alone in having these questions, and your feelings are valid. These complex responses to trauma are a normal part of how our minds and bodies attempt to process difficult experiences. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

When I was 6, a boy my age pressured me into oral by saying things like "it's what you'd do if you loved me" and "I'll be your friend if you do." I said no at first, but I was lonely and wanted a friend. Over time I started participating without him needing to pressure me. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. It makes me feel ill thinking about it. Could you help me understand what this might be classified as? Is this COCSA or something else?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed about it. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to be gentle with yourself as you process this.

The situation you described has many elements that align with COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). Even though the other child was your age, their actions were coercive and inappropriate. The fact that you initially said no and didn't fully understand what was happening indicates that you did not give informed consent. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activities, even with other children.

However, it's crucial to recognize that only you can truly define your experience. While professionals and others can provide information and context, ultimately, how you categorize and understand what happened to you is deeply personal. Your perspective on your experiences may also change over time as you process and reflect on them. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to feel about or label your experiences.

It's common for survivors of childhood sexual experiences to feel conflicted, especially if they eventually participated without overt pressure. However, this doesn't negate the abusive nature of the initial encounters or the overall situation. The power dynamics and manipulation involved created an unhealthy environment, regardless of how your responses may have evolved over time.

Your feelings of illness when thinking about these events are a normal reaction to a potentially traumatic experience. It's important to recognize that your participation, even when it seemed voluntary, seems to be the result of earlier coercion and manipulation. You were doing what you thought you needed to do to maintain a friendship and meet your emotional needs as a child.

I encourage you to be kind to yourself and consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma. They can provide you with the support and tools to process these experiences and work through your feelings, while respecting your own interpretation of events. Remember, you deserve healing and compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 17

I'm struggling with a recovered childhood memory of inappropriately touching my younger sibling when I was around 11-12 and they were 7-8. It was a one-time incident through clothes, and while I know I didn't have harmful intent, I feel overwhelming guilt and shame. I'm worried about potential trauma impact and unsure how to handle these feelings or if I should tell my family.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult memory with us. It's clear from your message that you feel deep remorse and care about your brother's wellbeing. It's important to understand that sexually reactive behavior in children can be complex and often stems from developmental factors, curiosity, or sometimes the child's own experiences of confusion around boundaries.

Your age at the time is significant. At 11-12, you were still developing understanding of appropriate boundaries and behavior. Children and adolescents often act without fully understanding the implications of their actions. While this doesn't minimize the seriousness of the incident, it's important to recognize that children at this age typically don't have the same capacity for understanding consequences as adults do. The fact that you never repeated the behavior and feel genuine remorse shows growth and moral development.

Carrying this kind of guilt alone can be incredibly heavy. You're not alone in grappling with difficult memories from your past. Speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma could help you process these feelings in a healthy way. They can provide a safe, confidential space to help you understand the context of your childhood behavior and develop strategies for managing shame while moving forward constructively.

If you're concerned about your brother's wellbeing, a counselor can also help you think through whether and how to address this with him or other family members. There's no universal "right" answer - what's most important is approaching any potential conversation with sensitivity and respect for everyone's emotional safety.

Remember that acknowledging past mistakes and feeling genuine remorse is part of growth and healing. You're showing tremendous thoughtfulness in reflecting on this experience and seeking support. While you can't change the past, you can choose to channel these feelings into becoming a more aware and emotionally responsible person. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 18

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 19

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories?
Could my mind be fabricating these experiences?
Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Many survivors develop difficulties with physical intimacy later in life, which can manifest as discomfort with touch, emotional disconnection during intimate moments, or anxiety about sexual activities. These are normal responses to early boundary violations. The fact that these memories are surfacing now, along with questions about possible gaps in your memory, is also very common with childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by tucking away difficult experiences until we're better equipped to process them.

Building healthy intimacy takes time and patience. This might involve establishing clear boundaries with partners, practicing "time-outs" during physical intimacy when needed, and starting with simple forms of touch like hand-holding before progressing at your own pace.

Your sister's young age adds a complex layer to process. While her age provides context and may help explain her actions, it doesn't invalidate your feelings or minimize the impact these experiences have had on you. Whether or not she understood the implications of her behavior at the time, your feelings of discomfort and their lasting effects are completely valid.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories safely, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthy intimacy skills at your own pace. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise when the person who caused harm was also a child themselves, as well as address any concerns about memory gaps or recovered memories. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 20

If I kissed other children without consent when I was a child because I didn't know it was wrong and thought it was normal, did I commit sexual assault? I was exposed to sexual content when young and thought kissing was something people just did. I didn't pressure anyone but didn't ask for consent either. I would just peck other children on the mouth for no reason. I'm unsure if this counts as sexual assault or childhood experimentation. I hate myself for this and feel disgusted by my actions.

Accepted Answer

I can hear how much pain and self-disgust you're carrying about these childhood memories, and I want you to know that your distress is understandable while also being much harsher on yourself than the situation warrants. What you're describing falls clearly within the realm of normal childhood development and experimentation, not sexual assault.

Sexual assault involves intentional harm, power dynamics, coercion, or actions taken with knowledge that they're wrong or harmful. What you're describing is a young child who was exposed to adult content beyond your developmental understanding, trying to make sense of what you saw by mimicking behaviors you thought were normal. This is actually a very common response when children are exposed to sexual content they're not developmentally ready to process. They often try to recreate what they've seen because they don't yet understand the context or boundaries around those behaviors.

The key factors that distinguish your experience from sexual assault include your age and developmental stage, your lack of intent to harm, your genuine belief that this was normal behavior, and the absence of power dynamics or coercion. Young children naturally explore social behaviors through imitation, and when they're exposed to content beyond their understanding, they may incorporate those behaviors into their play or social interactions without any awareness of inappropriate boundaries.

Your early exposure to sexual content was not your fault, and the way you processed and responded to that exposure as a child was a normal developmental response to abnormal circumstances. Children who are exposed to sexual content often exhibit sexualized behaviors because they're trying to understand and integrate what they've witnessed. This doesn't make them perpetrators. It makes them children who needed appropriate guidance and protection that they didn't receive at the time.

The intense shame and self-hatred you're experiencing is actually causing you more harm than the original childhood behaviors ever did. This level of self-condemnation is disproportionate to actions that were developmentally normal responses to inappropriate exposure. Many adults look back on childhood behaviors with some embarrassment or concern, but the extreme distress you're feeling suggests that these intrusive thoughts may have taken on a life of their own.

It's important to understand that sexual assault requires intent, knowledge of wrongdoing, or exploitation of power differences, none of which were present in your childhood situation. You were a child trying to navigate social interactions with incomplete and inappropriate information about what was normal. The fact that you now understand boundaries and consent, and feel genuine concern about these past actions, actually demonstrates your healthy moral development.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood development and can help you process both the original exposure to sexual content and the current shame you're carrying. They can help you understand child development, work through the impacts of early sexual exposure, and develop healthier ways to view your childhood self. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself, rather than the harsh self-judgment you're currently experiencing. Thank you for trusting us with this.

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In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

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